The Franklin W. Dixon Truths #6: Dan Quayle was Right

by Matt Waln

The Shore Road Mystery is one of Mr. Dixon's most bizarre anhd intriguing tales ever put to paper. In Mr. Dixon's sixth novel we are taught a fact of life little appreciated today in the world today. In his masterpiece work, Mr. Dixon uses the main characters Frank and Joe Hardy to solve a complex mystery, weaved with intrigue and physical assault. What Mr. Dixon dexterously weaves into this volume is yet one more real life truth that the reader would do well to recognize and practice daily.

This is a tome so magnanimously complex that we must dissect it as it unfolds. However, I will begin by putting forth the underlying theme of the book. On page 27 Aunt Gertrude allows, "Never you mind. You just can't rely on men who don't have a woman around the house to keep them straight."

Aunt Gertrude has never been as verbose as Vice President Quayle, and far less tactful, but her point is, of course, valid. Let's hear from the great man himself: "In a nutshell: I believe the lawless social anarchy which we saw is directly related to the breakdown of family structure, personal responsibility and social order in too many areas of our society...It's time to talk again about family, hard work, integrity and personal responsibility. We cannot be embarrassed out of our belief that two parents, married to each other, are better in most cases for children than one. That honest work is better than handouts- or crime. That we are our brother's keepers. That it's worth making an effort, even when the rewards aren't immediate. So I think the time has come to renew our public commitment to our Judeo-Christian values- in our churches,...our civic organizations, and our schools. We are, as our children recite each morning, 'one nation under God.'"

Now it would be easy to mistakenly believe that Aunt Gertrude was talking about the Dodds, but it becomes obvious as the book unfolds that the men involved in the crime racket have no womanly influence in their lives. As Dan Quayle predicted, they turned to a life of stealing and smuggling.

But the truth in this case is like a lighthouse in a storm, shining bright for all to see; yet enveloped in a chaos of a centuries old, a weapons ring, and a vegeterian who eats most anything.

The story begins with a good old-fashion car chase as the Hardy's try to outrun a stolen car in their motorcycles. Then they return to the beach only to find out that Chet, their perennial hero, is at the museum. The reader, of course, knows that Chet has most certainly already figured out this mystery and is brushing up on the last minute details to aid in the criminal capture. He is studying history, to aid in the locating of the pilgrim treasure. He is also studying the behavior of vegetables. Distraught at Chet's absence, the fellows take a stroll down the beach and come upon a dead bat. As Joe does his best Sting impression, singing "There's a little black spot on the sun today, it's the same old thing as yesterday;" we are treated to the verbal hilarity of Frank, Biff, and Phil belting out the chorus to "King of Pain." Because the spate of car thefts has kept the townspeople away from the beach, they miss this. After the Dodds are arrested and then seemingly jump bail, the very same sycophantic townsfolk threaten the Hardys. These plebian persons are all too willing to simply take as fact what they hear on the nightly news. When a courageous group of free thinkers, who by the way, have both a mother and a father, try to make a stand for truth and justice, they are literally accosted through the postal service.

As the boys pursue the case they follow clues into the woods. There Chet meets Scratch. He tells Chet what he knows and then we see the Hardys getting back on their bikes. They ask Chet if he's hungry. "Not really," he replies. "I met a drifter named Scratch and ate him! Here's his picture." [celery from "Veggie Tales"]

The trio soon is back at the Hardy residence looking at the centuries old treasure clue. The brothers immediately realize Chet's extensive knowledge of botany will prove invaluable to them. He pores over the parchment while singing, "Oh, Where is my Parsnip?" Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Frank in a towel, Joe suggests they go up in a plane to look for a river that might not be on the map. They get shot down. They need a new plan. Frank asks Joe on page 71, "Have you the same hunch about Slagel's paint that I do?" Joe replies, "Well, I think so Frank. But we'll never get that monkey to wear panty hose."

Fortunately, Chet is able to rise above the confusion and goes on a little sleuthing of his own. As he tails the suspect and dines on the forbidden chocolate cake, he takes a great risk to search the back of the suspect truck. When a stocky red haired assailant tries to stop Chet, he learns the hard way that chocolate cake does not a meal make! On page 121 the Hardys recount their day to Chet and then he tells them about his. "And when I saw this guy glaring at me I decided it was now or never. So I ate him. Here's his picture." [Bob the Tomato from "Veggie Tales."]

Well, the boys are able to pinpoint the location of the stolen car hideaway and infiltrate it. We now meet the soon to be famous Dr. Montrose. On page 160 we see the respectable chiropractor got his start in his life of crime as one of Melliman's henchmen. Oh, the tales he will involve us in soon. Poor, poor Dr. Montrose, who craved the presence of a woman in his life that he would soon turn to defrauding women in a medical setting. Some readers may actually think that Mr. Dixon just wasn't clever enough to not use the same name 33 volumes later, but I believe it is clear that he simply wants to reiterate his truths as often as possible. Dan Quayle's idea of a two parent setting allowing for decreased crime and welfare was not lost on Mr. Dixon, and he was faithful in bringing the truth up, albeit in a very understated way, in number 39, The Mystery of the Chinese Junk.

The plot now unfolded completely, it is time for pure violence. In a storm that is unmatched, a melee ensues involving nearly the entire male cast of the book. The Hardys emerge relatively unscathed, Fenton Hardy shows up in time to score the assist, and the treasure chest is located. As the dust settles, the Hardys all notice that Dr. Montrose seems to have escaped and Chet looks very full. Jack Dodd wants to thank the group by having them over for a traditional thanksgiving meal. "We're going to have a feast that would make our ancestors proud! And you're going to join us too, Chet. We'll even have a special seaweed menu for you!"

"I would love to tag along," Chet replies, "But I can't eat another bite. As Oscar Smuff and Chief Collig were arresting Melliman, they all looked so good, I ate them! Here are their pictures!" [pear from Veggie Tales] [Carrot from Veggie Tales, dressed like a cop] [Larry the Cucumber from Veggie Tales]