"Grab your dancing shoes and prepare to party!" A pediatric view of suburban life

By Christopher Waln

Phil opens this tome by bursting into the Hardy home and enticing his friends to go dancing, which he mislabels partying. Because who, really, would confuse dancing with having a good time? Anyway, Frank remarks on his appearance by comparing him to a fashion plate. My aunt Lisa used to play with fashion plates and she fondly tells tales of rubbing the chalk over the paper with the plates underneath to create all manner of outfit drawings. We’re not told which skirt and top combination Phil has on right now, but he’s humming the opening bars of Vette Smashs’s #22, “I Pop My Clutch When You Wear Red.” So we can gather from that . . . well, not much, really.

On the way to the concert, which, incidentally, is neither a party nor a dance, Phil explains that he recently started dating Chrome Jewel from the band. Then we see a small exposition about how there are actually two local bands on the verge of making it big and they hate each other. The other band is the delightfully named Green Machine. My esteemed father, who read this book to me page by page at bedtime each night and then ran out of time to type my dictated causerie for the last meeting of the HBLS, never got a Green Machine. He had a Big Wheel and while he would debate his green machine owning best friend, Mike, endlessly about the merits of the big wheel, he secretly admired and even coveted his friend’s far more cool ride.

The next scene is a little too stupid to even bother discussing save for the fact that it introduces two elements. One is that the Hardys can fight, and this is such a lame book that maybe that had to be presented so that, were this my first exposure to the Hardy Boys from my esteemed father, I would be told early on that the Hardys are cool and not actually the lame fairy dancer types with a penchant for standing around back stage watching nothing in particular that they appear to be the rest of the book. Option two is that we need to be introduced to Geo Kasper in a bold way because he actually plays an integral part in the plot, what little of it there is. While he’s guarding the back entrance he’s quietly singing Vette Smash’s country crossover hit #46, “The Dog Likes My Ride Better Than Yours.”

So the band plays two sets, Phil gets pushed by an unknown assailant, and two agents are vying to get the band to sign with them. This leads up to the big publicity stunt in which the band members will bungee jump off of a bridge to promote the band’s new soon to be hit #141, “Unfurl My Bungee Cord Of Love.” Ms. Miyazaki graciously refers to this tripe as “an interesting stunt.” The next day the Hardys are helping Phil load equipment from the storehouse and discover that an extra bungee has been intentionally cut. Phil begins furiously scribbling notes to the next song, Vette Smash’s #142, “Please Don’t Bobbitt My Bungee.” The Hardys and Phil manage to stop the jump and discover that the lead guitarist’s cord had been cut. We were told earlier that Kasper also played a pretty mean guitar, and here he’s looking at the action still quietly singing “The Dog Likes My Ride Better Than Yours.” So Ken hops in his red sports car and speeds away.

He manages to show up in time for that night’s concert, however, and it’s another two-fer. During the second show the lightning generator goes awry and poor Chrome Jewel, in her metallic outfit, takes a bolt of juice and goes down. That completely interrupts the smash hit from the first self titled album, #6, “My Distributor Cap Came Loose and Now My Juice Is Everywhere” and also puts an end to the show. Julie is, fortunately, just fine and the band soon takes to blaming Phil for all of it’s ills of late. He’s a little hurt by the accusation and during his didactic diatribe on the merits of being a friend of Frank and Joe and therefore could not possibly be a bad guy, Ray grabs the backup keyboard and starts playing the melody to Vette Smash’s #134, “Speeding Down the Highway to Loser-Ville, Population: You.”

Just in time for the next concert, they make up with Phil and that allows our imperturbable onlookers, Frank and Joe, to come and stand around while more exciting events unfold. They soon do. Green Machine takes the stage first even though Vette Smash was supposed to. As the lead guitarist is about to strike the downbeat to their first ever hit, “Big Wheels Suck, And So Do You,” he gets shocked by the guitar. As I lay in my crib I thought I heard the voice of my esteemed father falter ever so slightly and as I looked over I saw a lone tear run down his cheek. “For the Big Wheel?” I asked. He simply nodded and went on.

So Green Machine leaves in a huff and Vette Smash provides a new guitar and heads on. They, of course, lead the show with maybe their biggest hit of all time, #101, “Suck, Squeeze, Pop, Poof. Another Otto Cycle Friday Night.”

The next day, since it was Saturday, the boys slept in and then went to help the band set up for yet another concert. Ken’s car nearly ran over the boys so they hopped on the motorcycles to give chase. The car got in front of a train and the boys were behind it. When the train passed they spotted the car stuck in a ditch. Ken was in the trunk and the car was wiped clean of fingerprints. The Hardys failed, however, to check the cd still playing Vette Smash’s #18, “My Engine’s Still Hot.” Ken was fine in time for the Power Bar concert and Kasper was discovered as the bad guy. Even though the concert was on Saturday night, the third and final encore ended with the remix 17-minute dance version of “Suck, Squeeze, Pop, Poof.”